jam.slicio.us

Coming from different cultural backgrounds, others often expect Jack and I to encounter many cultural clashes. To their surprise we don't often encounter such situations although they do come up now and then. One of the reasons for this is because we both come from Evangelical Protestant backgrounds. Even though we're both proud of our respective heritages, we are also understand that our own ancestral cultures are not surperior to anyone else's. Our parents are also very laid back in comparison to other Indian and Chinese parents - also a result of our faith. They are not as consumed by saving face, showcasing wealth, and conforming to previously accepted beliefs as others in our communities. Unfortunately for me, my parents aren't as laid back as Jack's (God bless them), but they are still much better than the majority of Indian parents I know. But seriously, can you imagine what a hellhole our lives would be like right now if both sets of parents wanted to have a traditional Indian and Chinese wedding? Death.

Okay I got side tracked there. Getting back on topic...Jack and I don't often face cultural clashes but something has come up. It's about paying for guests. I know, financial issues. People don't like to talk about money matters but I think it's an important topic to discuss and put out there. If parents pay for their own guests to attend their children's wedding and reception, are the cash gifts that those guests give supposed to go to the married couple or to the parents who paid for them? Jack and I have differing opinions about this. For my family, my parents are willing to pay for the reception costs of the guests they want there (that I wasn't planning on inviting) and don't expect to receive anything from the cash gifts from their guests. For Chinese weddings the red envelope gifts are supposed to cover the cost of each guest attending plus some extra spending money for the couple. So we're expecting that the red envelope gifts will be larger than those from the Indian side simply because of cultural differences.

So what method should we use - equality or equity? Equality would mean that we either tell both our parents that they have to pay for their guests and they won't receive anything from the cash gifts or we tell both sets that they will be given back what they spent on each guest. Equity would accomodate a solution to their unique circumstance. So for my parents they wouldn't receive any cash gifts because of the cultural context of cash gift giving from their culture while Jack's parents would receive some to full compensation from their guests. These are our options, and we haven't decided what to do. Personally, I'm thankful that this is the biggest cultural hurdel that we've have encountered thus far.

Jack and I have chosen our outfits for the reception. We still have to order them online and I'm hoping they're as fabulous as they look in the pictures. Apparently women usually wear full-length cheongsams (to their ankles) but that is too formal for my liking. And really, when am I going to wear a full-length cheongsam ever again? Plus I have to dance in it, so knee-length is good for me. Plus they come in at about $100 under what we had budgetted for. W00t! More money to spend on my shoes. I hope they will look good on us, especially me. I don't want to come across as a poser. >_<

Last week I was taking the public transit on the way to Jack's place and a man who recently came from India started to talk to me. I should have just ignored him, but I'm just too nice to strangers. Anyway, he started asking me if I was from India and such and the idiot that I am kept answering him hesitantly. He did not take the hint that I did not want to talk to him and would just keep talking. He eventually saw my engagement ring and asked if I was married. I said I was engaged. He asked me if it was to an Indian boy. I said he was Chinese (he didn't understand what Taiwanese was -_-;;). And then...on the public transit...on the way to Toronto...sitting across from a man covered in tattoos and piercings and a woman texting like mad on her cell phone...this man starts to tell me why Indians should not marry anyone but Indians. What.the.fuck. I had to listed to this total stranger tell me why it's better to "stick with our own kind" and why it's "not good" to marry a non-Indian. I should have punched him, but rather I listed to his ignorant ramblings in awe of how he actually believed he had the right to express and endorse his racist beliefs. He then ended off with telling me that I was beautiful. Right buddy, because I'm going to throw away an amazing relationship of five years for you.

This isn't the first time I've encountered hostility towards our relationship because of the difference in our backgrounds, but this was the first time a stranger expressed their disapproval to my face. Usually we just get stares from younger East Asian people (girls mostly) and older South Asian people. But really, I hope that in the next few generations there will be a greater degree of acceptance of difference; not just tolerance but acceptance. But in order for that to happen people need to get off their high horse and realize that their background, their culture, their heritage, and their ancestry is not superior to anyone else's. Pride should not equate to hostility, ethnocentricism, or xenophobia. We are all human beings.

A couple of people have asked me if Jack and I will be having a tea ceremony as part of our wedding. And the answer is, no. Tea ceremonies are a common tradition practiced by many Chinese groups during their wedding ceremonies. It is basically a ceremony to show respect for the parents of the bride and groom as well as to provide an opportunity for both families to meet. Unfortunately, it is also a tradition filled with patriarchal, hierarchical, and sexist concepts that we are strongly against. So we will not be participating in it.