jam.slicio.us

I've read several articles about engagement rings and the history behind them. All of the ones I've seen discuss the purpose of the ring to symbolize the capabilities of the man to provide for the woman. I haven't read any that discuss what the ring symbolizes for the woman though. I've noticed that wearing an engagement ring provides a status for a woman that she didn't have before. In one way it says, 'I'm capabale to get a man and keep him.' In another way it says, 'look how much my man loves me - check out the size of this rock.' It also provides a topic of discussion where almost all women who notice you wearing a ring will start asking you when your wedding date is and how your wedding plans are coming along. Naturally they assume that it is you, the woman, who are doing the planning. I feel these dynamics are inevitable if you choose to wear an engagement ring.

Even though I don't subscribe to these values, I don't see how I can fully opt-out of them simply because those who do subscribe to them bombard me with situations where I am forced to comply. I could act indecently and answer "fuck off" when someone asks me about my wedding, but I comply into the ring status/indicator and tell them that the plans are coming along well. When someone asks to see my ring, I show it to them but I don't put on the 'look at my fabulous ring' persona. I just quickly stick out my hand and continue to chew my sandwich (for some reason people ask me when I'm eating). If I didn't do these things would it really make a difference? I don't think by not doing these things that I would be opting out, because people will continue to ask and I will eventually give in out of exaustion and frustration. However I do show some resistance by acting like this whole wedding thing is not a big deal (other than the funding that goes into it because that is a huge deal!).

I think the only way to somewhat opt out is to take off the ring, which is a shame because I really like my ring.; not because of the status it holds but because it is a beautiful gift from my spouse. The consideration that he took in picking it out - it's style, it's quality and most importantly, where the diamond came from. Jack made sure that it was not a diamond from certain countries in the world, lest it be a blood diamond. However despite what my particular ring means to me I cannot deny that it also holds an ascribed position because our society values diamond engagement rings so highly. It's a true shame really. We continue to sustain such superficial and elitist ideologies and in the words of the borg, reisistance is futile.

Coming from different cultural backgrounds, others often expect Jack and I to encounter many cultural clashes. To their surprise we don't often encounter such situations although they do come up now and then. One of the reasons for this is because we both come from Evangelical Protestant backgrounds. Even though we're both proud of our respective heritages, we are also understand that our own ancestral cultures are not surperior to anyone else's. Our parents are also very laid back in comparison to other Indian and Chinese parents - also a result of our faith. They are not as consumed by saving face, showcasing wealth, and conforming to previously accepted beliefs as others in our communities. Unfortunately for me, my parents aren't as laid back as Jack's (God bless them), but they are still much better than the majority of Indian parents I know. But seriously, can you imagine what a hellhole our lives would be like right now if both sets of parents wanted to have a traditional Indian and Chinese wedding? Death.

Okay I got side tracked there. Getting back on topic...Jack and I don't often face cultural clashes but something has come up. It's about paying for guests. I know, financial issues. People don't like to talk about money matters but I think it's an important topic to discuss and put out there. If parents pay for their own guests to attend their children's wedding and reception, are the cash gifts that those guests give supposed to go to the married couple or to the parents who paid for them? Jack and I have differing opinions about this. For my family, my parents are willing to pay for the reception costs of the guests they want there (that I wasn't planning on inviting) and don't expect to receive anything from the cash gifts from their guests. For Chinese weddings the red envelope gifts are supposed to cover the cost of each guest attending plus some extra spending money for the couple. So we're expecting that the red envelope gifts will be larger than those from the Indian side simply because of cultural differences.

So what method should we use - equality or equity? Equality would mean that we either tell both our parents that they have to pay for their guests and they won't receive anything from the cash gifts or we tell both sets that they will be given back what they spent on each guest. Equity would accomodate a solution to their unique circumstance. So for my parents they wouldn't receive any cash gifts because of the cultural context of cash gift giving from their culture while Jack's parents would receive some to full compensation from their guests. These are our options, and we haven't decided what to do. Personally, I'm thankful that this is the biggest cultural hurdel that we've have encountered thus far.

Jack and I have chosen our outfits for the reception. We still have to order them online and I'm hoping they're as fabulous as they look in the pictures. Apparently women usually wear full-length cheongsams (to their ankles) but that is too formal for my liking. And really, when am I going to wear a full-length cheongsam ever again? Plus I have to dance in it, so knee-length is good for me. Plus they come in at about $100 under what we had budgetted for. W00t! More money to spend on my shoes. I hope they will look good on us, especially me. I don't want to come across as a poser. >_<